This Time, the Positive Pregnancy Test Broke Me

Written on 06/25/2024 – This post shares my raw, personal experience with pregnancy after miscarriage, and how this positive test felt different.

A week ago I got up from watching “Monk” with my husband to pee on a stick. I was surprising him, I hadn’t told him I was going to. We hadn’t talked about it at all, actually. I had only mentioned it to my sister who is in Peru until January, because she’s in Peru until January! All I said was “I think I might be pregnant but idk. Too early to tell, the soonest I’d be able to tell is on Monday.” I told her I’d let her know when I took a test, though.

I took the test and walked back to my room to sit beside my sweet hubby again. Feeling nervous, but didn’t reaaaally think I was pregnant. I didn’t really have symptoms. If I had gone too long without eating I would start to feel nauseous and when our daughter spun around in circles I’d feel nauseous. Our little family of three went to the store to return an item and pick out some snacks for each other for our at home movie night. While I did that, I sheepishly asked the attendant to unlock the sliding glass door so I could get a pregnancy test. I have never seen them locked up before and I hate that I had to ask. After sitting on my bed for what seemed like forever, I went back to the bathroom to look at the test.

“Pregnant”

My body started to cry, I was shocked. I thought I wanted to be pregnant. When I bought the test, I planned to wait a bit to tell my husband but I couldn’t. Not out of excitement, how it was with our daughter, though. Out of fear. I was terrified. I had our healthy girl M in 2022 and five months later had an ectopic pregnancy. Exactly one year later I had a miscarriage. Here we are 9 months later and I’m pregnant again. My fourth pregnancy.

We weren’t trying. We both wanted to have a baby next year but we both had wanted to have a baby closer to June or July. So, a bit earlier than we had hoped, but happy nonetheless, for the most part. I’m not sad or anxious or anything, but terrified. Terrified something will go wrong. I’m scared to be happy and to be excited. Yet I’m scared not to be. I don’t want to live out of fear but out of peace and hope.

I walk into the room and ask hubby to pause the show. He does and I hand him the test. I saw the surprise in his eyes. He asked if I was serious and I said yes and he didn’t react in any sort of way. I couldn’t tell from his face how he was feeling. Tears welled up again as I confessed, “I’m terrified.” He gave me a hug and I asked him to pressed play again.

The next morning he tells me he “really is happy.” He wasn’t expecting it, it’s earlier than we had hoped, and he is still happy about it. I envy him. He isn’t consumed with terrifying thoughts like “something’s going to happen” or “so if we’re moving in January and the due date is March, who’s going to be my Dr.? I know my last midwife doesn’t accept patients after they’re so far along… will anybody accept me?” I am happy, deep deep down I’m happy. But, the overwhelming feeling is anxiety. Until we get out of the first trimester, I will be terrified. Truly, I won’t be okay until after I’m holding that sweet baby in our arms.

We told our friends who live near us. I’ve been pretty sick and we hang out with them pretty often and I didn’t’ want to make excuses as to why or even hang out with them less. I’d feel comfortable telling them if I had a miscarriage anyway. I feel better since I’ve told them. My husband is a great listener, but now I have more people to talk to.

Hubby doesn’t want to tell anyone. I worked hard to convince him to tell our friends. He is nervous too, that’s why. In the past he didn’t mind, but he does with this one. We both are having a hard time with potential negative outcomes. We are being cautious. I’m not sure I could handle it. I’m trying not to stress, I’m doing everything I can think of not to. That’s why I’m even writing this post. I need a space to get it all out I guess. There are just so many things to think about, but I need to not think about it. Writing out my feelings and focusing on my Bachelor’s is what I’m going to do for now, and let everything else come when it comes. My first ultrasound is on July 12th, so here’s to hoping everything goes smoothly.

Cora <3

Find part 2 here!

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