Healing from Pregnancy Loss: Miscarriage, Faith, and Trying Again

Pregnancy loss sucks, and I’m healing. This is part 3, so if you missed them, check out part 1 here and part 2 here.

So, I took some time to heal. I laid in bed a lot. My friends who lived nearby checked in often and brought chocolates and flowers. I asked family not to text or call, I just didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t need pity, or whatever you want to call it. They did hold a family fast for me the day in between my first HCG levels. I remember not feeling like it was helping that day.

When I Felt the Power of Others’ Prayers

I woke up a couple of days after we had told everyone about our miscarriage feeling good. It was night and day to how I had been feeling. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. The previous day I felt heartache and grief, but today I felt genuine happiness. I knew it was because people had prayed and fasted for me. Until then, I have never felt the power of someone else’s prayers.

I still wasn’t talking to God. Again, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t even upset. I just still didn’t want to talk to Him. I was avoiding Him for sure. Then, one day, my father-in-law sent a text to the family group chat.

This text contained a screen shot from scriptures he was reading. He had highlighted a portion of it and it said something along the lines of “Look to God and live.” I was healing, but I wasn’t living, and I knew it as I read this scripture. So, I started talking to God again.

That was the biggest part of my healing journey. Other things helped as well, like playing with my daughter, M. I feel lucky that I had her before I had three losses. I know many woman who aren’t as fortunate, and my heart aches for them.

Finding Hope in Unexpected Places

Something that was strangely healing, though, was a book I picked up at the library, One and Done by Rebecca Greene. The title caught my attention. I had one kid, and with three unsuccessful pregnancies, I thought I should read it.

It didn’t convince me that I only wanted one kid. I felt like the book focused on people who wanted to only have one kid, not really people who had one kid and were struggling to have more. And, it didn’t feel right. I mean, I felt like I was supposed to have more, even if it was by some other way. I didn’t feel like I was, in fact “one and done.”

That feeling gave me hope. Hope that one day, I would have another successful pregnancy. Or, maybe we would adopt, or foster, or who knows. All I knew is there was something more in the future, and I held on to that.

Hubby and I discussed when we would want to try again. I wasn’t ready, and I told him that. In the past, I think the miscarriages and losses were harder on him than me mentally (ok, the first one I almost died, so ya that shook him a bit). This time though, it was me. I was still healing from this pregnancy loss.

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It was on my mind a lot though. It felt like I couldn’t stop thinking about the timing of our next baby. I wanted my children to be, at the most, two years apart, and that was already out the window when I had this loss. It felt like I needed to have a baby soon. Nobody was saying that to me, it was all in my head, but it was stressful.

Eventually, I told hubby I was done thinking about it. I was done and wasn’t going to mention it again. It was his job to do that, when he felt ready.

Focusing on Family and the Future

So, I focused on me, hubby, and M. I had decided to go for my bachelor’s degree and not just my associate’s. At that point, I would be able to finish my degree before having another baby. I thought about how to be a better mom. I started soaking up the time she and I have just the two of us at home together before another beautiful little one arrived.

In January, I told hubby the best birthday present (in February) would be a positive pregnancy test (look at me, bringing it up). Of course I knew it wasn’t like he could just buy that at the store, but it was my way of saying I was ready for another baby. And, I was also ready to potentially have another loss. I was ready – no matter what came.

With all four previous pregnancies, I got pregnant within a month. My birthday came around and I took a test – it was negative. I was sad, but I knew it wasn’t a loss. That, at least, was something.

A New Beginning: Pregnancy Test and All

I decided to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN since we had just moved. I wanted to give her some back story and get a game plan for when I got a positive test – like getting on progesterone and what not. The appointment was scheduled for 5 days before my period. I had started to have signs of being pregnant. So, I took a test in the Walmart bathroom on the way to my appointment (I know, I’m crazy).

I took tests 5 days before with my latest three pregnancies, all with accurate results. It said pregnant. I was shocked. So, my meeting with my OBGYN went from “what would the game plan be” to “what is the game plan?” I got on progesterone. I told my husband and we told our families. This time, I was filled with hope.

There was anxiety still – don’t get me wrong. Healing from multiple pregnancy losses takes a long time, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely “healed.” But, I had hope, and a loving family who let me talk to them about it nonstop.

I’m 18 weeks today. Baby is the size of a cucumber. We had pickle pizza tonight in his honor. I’m excited, and still nervous. So many things could go wrong. But – I’d rather have my hopes up instead of down, and I’m again soaking up the last couple of months with just M and I at home all day. I know I’ll miss it, and yet love having baby brother around too.

I wish more people told me their stories, all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. It sounds ridiculous, and paradoxical, but part of me is grateful for the losses. Again, I don’t think I’ll ever heal from them. But, I can now relate to other people. I can truly mourn with others and understand a portion of their pain. I’ve grown closer to God. I’ve developed better friendships and relationships. And, I’m still healing.

– Cora <3

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